If you are able to read this, congratulations, you are still alive at this point. You made it past the challanges you’ve been for the last five years. They will never go away. They will always bring out the best in you. But what matters is that you’re here alive and kicking.
Yes, I know what it feels like, wondering if life is worth living. Yep that shitty drama. At this point, I still don’t know what to do. If you look back and realize you still don’t, it’s okay. At least you’ve tried to do something and found out it wasn’t your thing.
I don’t know why I am writing to my future self. I don’t want to be reminded of my past. especially the dark ones. But you know what? there’s always a reason behind it and a lesson to learn. Sadly, there are some things that we already know it’s wrong, yet we still do such foolish things. And sometimes, when failure hits hard, it can be very difficult to forgive oneself. Sometimes, it’s easier to just disappear, to not exist. To die.
But, self-loathing isn’t gonna help either. it’s not gonna make things better. Sure, people will cosole, but there always comes a point when wallowing is just too much. For as long as you live. stand up and show up wherever you want/need. Do not waste the next five years, wondering about the what-ifs and dreaming about that should haves. Decision comes with action. Investment comes with risk. You’ll never know unless you try.
Do not lose hope. Do not lose perseverance. you made it this far. but you dont just stop.
Real talk, I hate changes. Specially when it’s drastic. I get really frustrated.
And here I am again, in the wee hours of the morning, wanting for a change, yet scared to make one. And when I’m faced with something that makes me feel threatened, I do a fight-or-flight response. Classic.
So what exactly do I want to change in my life? I am not aiming to be a CEO of the biggest conglomerate in the country. I just want to be financially secured enough, in case one of us gets sick or in an accident, we wouldn’t be begging for money from other people, or work our asses off until we are old and miserable.
I was raised to believe that there is a heaven or hell if we do good. To be honest, I am not sure where my soul is going when the time comes. That’s why I want to be able to do something that will make me feel fulfilled. I may have wasted some of my younger years in nonsensical things. This time, I want to learn something new again, something that I would do not because I get paid, but something I just like doing.
At this point, I want to take some time and reflect on it.
Just when I’ve already settled comfortably into my life, some things happen that would eff up my routine. You know, OC problems.
Well, I’m not exactly OC, but it hits the nerve when something (or someone) decides to make some decisions that would affected everyone. I guess some people just want to watch the world to burn. And here I am, trying to go with the flow.
Which brings me to the thought: Hanggang kailan ako ganito? Ano pa bang pwede kong gawin sa buhay ko?
I have a lot in mind, but it seems like I immediately lose interest. I guess at the moment I need to embrace this change.
Yung nag-oo nanaman ako, tapos last-minute gusto ko nalang mag-back-out. Pero hindi pwede dahil ayaw ko masyado ipahalata na indecisive ako. Oh well, bahala na bukas.
Ilang beses na ba nangyari to? yung oo lang ako ng oo, tapos biglang gusto ko nalang umatras sa maraming kadahilanan. Ok fine, I guess I’m a bit indecisive.
Pero sige, for the sake of keeping my word, paninindigan ko nalang kung anong una kong napagdesisyunan. Sana hindi ako masaktan sa team building. :))
Eto nanaman tayo eh. Hirap nanaman ako magdecide kapag may kailangan pagdesisyunan. Yung simpleng schedule lang pero ang dami kong iniisip. Ang dami laging factors. pros and cons. Anu ba. I can’t live life like this. Siguro kaya nagkaganito kasi hindi ako makapag decide. Lagi nalang takot magkamali ng decision. Anu baaaaa.
Hindi ko maalala kung gumawa ako ng year-ender blog for 2016. Pero eto ang para sa 2017.
Eto siguro yung masasabi kong taon na ang daming turning point at plot twist. Yung pumasok ang taon na wala akong goal at hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Pero eventually, nagdecide na din ako na isugal ang naipon ko para gumawa ng konting pagbabago sa buhay ko.
At ayun nga, nagbunga naman ang paghihirap ko. Medyo natagalan din, pero unti-unti nang nagkaro’n ng sense lahat. Laking pasasalamat ko talaga dahil naintindihan ako ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin at sinuportahan. Marami pa kong gustong i-share (not that anyone would care) pero sa ngayon, sa akin nalang muna, dahil, (okay, medyo pabebe, pero wala kong pakialam) hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon.
Ang masasabi ko lang sa ngayon, ay thank you, Lord. Alam kong hindi ako yung tipong napaka bait at relihisyosang tao. At aaminin ko, umabot na din ako sa point ng frustration. Pero I still feel blessed. Specifically, with people who have been supportive and have never left when I was at my worst. Thank you.
O siya, tama na drama, Happy New Year!