#HowHardDidAgingHitYou

Putek. Ang bilis. 10 years na agad yung lumipas. Parang isang araw nagising nalang ako at trenta na ko. Teka, ano na nangyari sa’ kin for the last ten years? Ang dami. Di ko na iisa isahin. Pero eto ang highlight:

2009:

-Ang taon na nag graduate ako ng Nursing at pumasa ng board exam. Ang buong akala ko noon, magiging ganap na nurse ako gaya ng inaasahan ng buong pamilya.

-Sabik ako sa gala, outing, party, at inuman. Feeling ko noon, reward ko iyon sa sarili ko dahil naka survive ako ng college.

-Speaking of inom, carry mag walwal before dahil the next day parang walang nangyari.

-Excited, dahil lagi ko naiisip dati na sana graduate na ko para pwede na ko mag-work at kumita ng sarili kong pera.

-Dami kong gusto gawin na walang kinalaman sa natapos kong kurso. Magbusiness, mag-travel writer, etc.

-nagkakilala kami ni bf (fiance na ngayon yieee) through a common friend.

 

2019:

-Nagttrabaho sa BPO (na hindi call center). Adulting mode na. Inaantay ang weekends para matulog/maglinis ng bahay/mag grocery/mag pa laundry, at kung anu ano pa. Lalabas pa minsan, pero biglang last minute, maiisip na mas masaya mag stay sa bahay.

-Ikakasal na, as mentioned above, sa lalaking nakilala ko ten years ago. Akalain mo yun, may #AngTagpuan2019 din kami. Ang saya kasi tagal din namin hinintay to. Pero kailangan paghandaan dahil magastos parin kahit simpleng kasal lang.

-One bottle/glass lang ng kahit anong 5% alcoholic drinks inaantok na. bumagal na din ang metabolism ko. Dati kahit anong kain basta kumikilos okay lang. Ngayon, kahit ata makakita lang ng ulam nararamdaman ko na yung pag-taba ko.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Future Self

If you are able to read this, congratulations, you are still alive at this point. You made it past the challanges you’ve been for the last five years. They will never go away. They will always bring out the best in you. But what matters is that you’re here alive and kicking.

Yes, I know what it feels like, wondering if life is worth living. Yep that shitty drama. At this point, I still don’t know what to do. If you look back and realize you still don’t, it’s okay. At least you’ve tried to do something and found out it wasn’t your thing.

I don’t know why I am writing to my future self. I don’t want to be reminded of my past. especially the dark ones. But you know what? there’s always a reason behind it and a lesson to learn. Sadly, there are some things that we already know it’s wrong, yet we still do such foolish things. And sometimes, when failure hits hard, it can be very difficult to forgive oneself. Sometimes, it’s easier to just disappear, to not exist. To die.

But, self-loathing isn’t gonna help either. it’s not gonna make things better. Sure, people will cosole, but there always comes a point when wallowing is just too much. For as long as you live. stand up and show up wherever you want/need. Do not waste the next five years, wondering about the what-ifs and dreaming about that should haves. Decision comes with action. Investment comes with risk. You’ll never know unless you try.

Do not lose hope. Do not lose perseverance. you made it this far. but you don’t just stop.

Start up

Real talk, I hate changes. Specially when it’s drastic. I get really frustrated.

And here I am again, in the wee hours of the morning, wanting for a change, yet scared to make one. And when I’m faced with something that makes me feel threatened, I do a fight-or-flight response. Classic.

So what exactly do I want to change in my life? I am not aiming to be a CEO of the biggest conglomerate in the country. I just want to be financially secured enough, in case one of us gets sick or in an accident, we wouldn’t be begging for money from other people, or work our asses off until we are old and miserable.

I was raised to believe that there is a heaven or hell if we do good. To be honest, I am not sure where my soul is going when the time comes. That’s why I want to be able to do something that will make me feel fulfilled. I may have wasted some of my younger years in nonsensical things. This time, I want to learn something new again, something that I would do not because I get paid, but something I just like doing.

At this point, I want to take some time and reflect on it.

Changing leaves

Just when I’ve already settled comfortably into my life, some things happen that would eff up my routine. You know, OC problems.

Well, I’m not exactly OC, but it hits the nerve when something (or someone) decides to make some decisions that would affected everyone. I guess some people just want to watch the world to burn. And here I am, trying to go with the flow.

Which brings me to the thought: Hanggang kailan ako ganito? Ano pa bang pwede kong gawin sa buhay ko? 

I have a lot in mind, but it seems like I immediately lose interest. I guess at the moment I need to embrace this change.

Too much yes?

Yung nag-oo nanaman ako, tapos last-minute gusto ko nalang mag-back-out. Pero hindi pwede dahil ayaw ko masyado ipahalata na indecisive ako. Oh well, bahala na bukas.

Ilang beses na ba nangyari to? yung oo lang ako ng oo, tapos biglang gusto ko nalang umatras sa maraming kadahilanan. Ok fine, I guess I’m a bit indecisive.

Pero sige, for the sake of keeping my word, paninindigan ko nalang kung anong una kong napagdesisyunan. Sana hindi ako masaktan sa team building. :))

 

Thank you 2017

Hindi ko maalala kung gumawa ako ng year-ender blog for 2016. Pero eto ang para sa 2017.

Eto siguro yung masasabi kong taon na ang daming turning point at plot twist. Yung pumasok ang taon na wala akong goal at hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. Pero eventually, nagdecide na din ako na isugal ang naipon ko para gumawa ng konting pagbabago sa buhay ko.

At ayun nga, nagbunga naman ang paghihirap ko. Medyo natagalan din, pero unti-unti nang nagkaro’n ng sense lahat. Laking pasasalamat ko talaga dahil naintindihan ako ng mga taong nakapaligid sa akin at sinuportahan. Marami pa kong gustong i-share (not that anyone would care) pero sa ngayon, sa akin nalang muna, dahil, (okay, medyo pabebe, pero wala kong pakialam) hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon.

Ang masasabi ko lang sa ngayon, ay thank you, Lord. Alam kong hindi ako yung tipong napaka bait at relihisyosang tao. At aaminin ko, umabot na din ako sa point ng frustration. Pero I still feel blessed. Specifically, with people who have been supportive and have never left when I was at my worst. Thank you.

O siya, tama na drama, Happy New Year!

 

29 lessons I learned (so far)

  1. Do not tolerate toxic people
  2.  You can never please everyone
  3.  Gratitude goes a long way. Be thankful, even for the smallest things.
  4.  Think before you click
  5.  Pick your battles
  6.  Do not trust people who baby talks at 20 something ( unless ganun talaga ka tining ang boses niya)
  7.  The best apology is changed behavior
  8. If you don’t make your own decisions, someone else will. And it will not be good for you.
  9. Learn the difference between expectation and reality
  10. Plan ahead
  11. But plans will not always work out as you had pictured. That’s where back up comes in
  12. Confidence does not equate arrogance
  13. Get more sleep when you have a chance. Dahil sa sobrang busy minsan gugustuhin mo nalang matulog buong weekend.
  14. Learn to forgive (yourself). Do not punish yourself for your failure, nor hold grudges. It’s like drinking poison and hoping the other dies.
  15. Sometimes, it’s best to just walk away from people who doesn’t help you become a better person.
  16. Love isn’t always about grand gestures.
  17. Save up. You’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.
  18. But do not splurge your savings.
  19. Try to find some hobbies. You have something else that you can look forward aside from your regular dayjob
  20. Relationships are nothing like in the movies or k-dramas (duh). That doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship though. May forever naman, nasa sayo lang kung hahanapin mo sa matinong tao.
  21. Adulting isn’t just about responsibilities. It’s about making decisions that will affect you for the next 30 years.
  22. FOMO is just euphemism for peer pressure. Sometimes, you’re not really missing out on anything.
  23. People can be mean and will say things that will shatter your self-esteem.
  24. Words can make or break a person
  25. Happiness is a matter of perspective. We were so convinced that if we get something/somewhere, we’d be happy, only to find ourselves back in the pool of misery.
  26. Saying NO is therapeutic. You can say no, when you feel uncomfortable
  27. The older you get, the more you’d like to stay home than hanging out/drinking
  28. Behind every success is  a dramatic beginnings. Most people would quit at this point. But some thrive their way to their goals.
  29. We will all die but no one knows, when and how. But we know what we can do while we’re still alive.